lochte v phelps and eleven swimming lessons

Goodness gracious, where have the last 1.5 weeks disappeared to?  Yesterday I received a text from a bestie asking “where have your blogs been?” and I realized that in my excitement with the Olympic swimming trials the free hour per night that was allocated for writing was spent cheering for the swimmers and mocking the announcers/interviewers.  The media is really playing up the Lochte vs Phelps rivalry.  They are both amazing athletes; who can pick a favorite?  (The fact that Ryan Lochte is smoking hot may affect some people’s opinion, just read this hilarious post.)  I am pleased to see that swimming is growing more mainstream and becoming a cool sport to participate in.  For those of you just joining in, swimming has always been a cool sport, just a tad underappreciated.  To celebrate how awesome swimming is I have categorized some très important life lessons learned through the sport:

11.  Do not, under any circumstances, allow your child to begin swimming competitively unless you as a parent are prepared to admonish your social life, never sleep in past 5:00am again, or enjoy spending every weekend in a hot, humid building.  This is your future.

10.  Girls who don’t like to get their hair wet are generally pretty lame.

9.  No one really cares about swimming until there is a reason to and all of a sudden a swimmer is awesome.  Examples of instances where this occurs: When snorkeling and said swimmer looks amazingly coordinated in the water/doesn’t need a life jacket which is super impressive; When testing residual lung volume in physiology class and said swimmer dazzles the class with their ridiculously large lung capacity; When needing to assist the land folk swim across a river because the bridge that was initially crossed on foot is now closed.

8. Chlorine will seep from your pores days after being in the pool.  You’ll get used to this.

7. It’s impossible to maintain nice nails when spending several hours per day in the pool.  Do not even bother.

6.  Swimming facilitates the single best job any teenager/college kid could hope for: Lifeguarding, teaching swim lessons, and coaching the swim team.  Tell me why I spent so much time and money in school?  

5. Don’t be fooled by a female swimmer’s physique.  They may appear beefy in clothes, but they are stronger and in better shape than 99% of everyone else.  If only I could have learned to accept my linebacker shoulders earlier in life.

4. Swimmers train at least 3-4 hours per day.  Do not attempt to keep up with their caloric intake.  Similarly, after retiring from swimming, one must really learn to adjust their food consumption.  Hello weight gain.

3.  Former swimmers make the best employees.  Sure, I will do that.  Yes, I love being tortured.  That is no problem, I embrace impossible workouts tasks.  Oh wait, you mean you can say no to coaches and bosses?  Unheard of!

2. Do not be alarmed or make a fuss when male anatomy pops out of swim suits.  This occurs daily and sometimes on purpose.  The rest of the population will continue to express shock over “Speedos” (the one word that describes all male swimwear) while swimmers are desensitized to visible cracks and other various body parts.

1.  Never attempt to doff and re-don a racing suit with damp skin.  If one must go to the bathroom at this time, pull the suit over.  You’re welcome.

There you have it, a few lessons learned after nearly two decades of swimming and/or coaching.  I hope everyone had a fun Independence Day extravaganza!  Also, there are still two days left so don’t forget to enter for a chance to win free Stella & Dot jewelry!

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